“I can not blame on destiny because of my choices”, this idea enlightened me in the middle of the day, just like a slap in my face haha.
I keep wondering why it has been hard for me recently to find a guy who is not “emotional unavailable” to date. I guess this kind of same patterns led me to a big question about my choices… It was not because no one wanted to being serious with me during my single time, but all of that kind of serious requests have been rejected by me because I was not ready. Against those rejections, I have been started opposite kind of relationships with some adventurous challenges, such as long distance, or soon to be long distance with the spirit “nothing easy is sustainable, keep chasing the high” and we all ended up in an explicably inexplicable way.
It has not been easy for me to figure out the root cores & face to those tough answers. I kept questioning myself a lot after every weird endings & started finding out the problems with the helps from my beloved ones & Universe. As you perceived the problems, you would find out proper solutions, for not being broken at the same place. It is tough to draw up the very first lines about those lessons but I guess there’s no other better way for me to manifest below truths.
Lesson 1. “Find someone who has the same values – and values will be defined through actions”
I was cheated in my first relationship. We have been together for not a short time, but at the beginning we had different life values, I just prioritized my emotions at that time with the hope that I could changed a person by my sincerity & efforts but obviously I could never do that.
Values of a person are sustainable & hardly wavering. Plus they will be revealed by actions, even the smallest ones. I think true reasons behind the mundane circumstances which led to many separations must be because of not sharing the same values, even in tiny daily actions. You need to be subtle enough to observe those.. When we were together, my first boy friend often told with his friend he was at class or somewhere else on phone while hanging out with me, I did not notice it at first since it was just small thing…Eventually I was cheated haha.
In next relationship, at first night we were together, I was asking my Ex-boyfriend if he had a lot of money, he would like to invest on bitcoin to earn more or invest on a school for children in remote areas, he chose the later. So far, in my past relationship, we shared a lot of things in common, our personalities are different but our decisions often came to the same thing since we decided based on our values. We still respect our relationship and each other until now. But the reason for this separation, it will be on another story…
Lesson 2. “You will have what you are seeking for”
On Bumble, I put “Don’t know yet” for what I’m looking for. All those “Don’t know yet” on there, just another term to define something like: “I’m so bored, I’m lonely sometimes, maybe we can hang out in order to fill up those things”. You filled them up with your boredom at first, you could not expect them to prioritize you later. You filled them up with your emptiness after the separation, you would not have a choice to get a full dedication. It’s fair enough. Your mind leads your way, the people you choose to be with are good reflections about yourself. Like most of guys I met on Bumble are nice, they’re just simply “emotional unavailable”. If I could recommend what they put on their profiles, I think they would be better to set “just looking for casual things” than an ambiguous status which at the end would lead us to confusions. You could not develop a romantic relationship then pushed the other away for your own fear of commitment. Of course we can not commit through a few times meet up but again your mind leads your way… In my past relationship, we did not expect to develop it to a serious one since we were ocean apart. But we just enjoyed every moments and built it up without needless worries of future which happened to make a very mature & happy relationship later.
First action I just took: set aside those choices, deleted my account until I know what I want to have, in order not to waste my time & the others’…
Lesson 3. Be kind but keep your standards high – don’t lower the bars
I’m sweet obviously but I’m firm & tough at the same time. I try to be nice and kind and really understanding in every situations. From the lessons about ego in the past, I always put myself in their state and try to sympathy as much as possible but it does not mean I am easy-going. I will not hang out with people who do not respect my time, my values, and myself even they are super intelligent, good – looking and very successful,… Don’t compromise, especially something related to values because when you go against your values, you will be in doubts.
Setting boundaries is not easy since sometimes you will be disturbed by your emotions but trust me, it always comes to good result. As a human, connection is vital. But as a human, relationship to yourself is the most important one. Standards are something in order to help us on drawing many border lines for our values not to be touched in the wrong way.
Lesson 4. Trust your instinct
Growing old with fears from the past, I have filtered everything with logics but forgot to put “emotions” in my standard. I avoided some tough but necessary conversations related to “emotional availability” since I think I am not ready for those yet. However, what you feel at the end of the day is crucial. So now emotion should be included in the standards and I should just relax & trust my instincts.
Lesson 5. The most important lesson – Let’s learn how to love yourself completely before everything.
I used to give my best for the others and I think love is just about giving. Until it came to a point that I realized it did not work that way. The stress is not from the one who is giving but also from the one who is getting it. I wanted to get more excitements from unreachable challenges and tried to send out more just because I did not feel enough. If I felt enough with myself and could drive all the intentions to the Now, no worries for future, no regrets for the past, I would not have either any needs for fulfill inside emptiness or the pressure of “give to gain”.
My friend told me something like this this morning: “Just because we are looking for a deep love, it does not mean we are ready for it”. Everyday we should say to ourselves that we are ready & relax, observe ourselves, slowly Universe will show us the right way, to the people we need to meet.
Finally everything in your life will come from yourself & your attraction. I think this is the way I’m getting ready for a deep love by getting myself complete as a whole then make better choices. Eventually, we will be deliriously happy.