It is just on another super lonely night with a weary mind. I woke up in the middle of night after drinking so much and thought about things, suddenly tears dropped, in the silence & darkness, I put my arms around myself, let all that sadness go through my body, continued crying quietly.
I’m always a sensitive person but so tough & independent that I can hide that sensitivity so well. Eventually, the concealed feelings will come up at some nights which I need to face, again and again. The more I’m getting older, the harder it is for me to share about my deepest insecurities & true emotions towards something or someone. It has been tough for me during this half of the year questioning myself a thousand challenging questions to the deepest layers until I figured out the proper & thoughtful answers. Whenever I found one, I cried myself at least 30 minutes. I just felt that my little body always bears a lot of burdens, a lot of pressures which are not 100% necessary. The person who looks like so independent & happy most of the time is super lonely occasionally. She needs someone to lean on but acts cool all the time. I laughed at myself for that kind of thinking in my mind, quite often.
But when all things have been brought out to the light, I started to accept them as a part of myself, could not deny, could not cover. I have been practicing to notice all the feelings coming up, either bad & good ones. I just leave them there without judgements. And negativity comes to me less often in an amazing way. The realization of all the troubles often come from the past or self expectation for future & external things that I can not control is such a good lesson for me to put all needless worries down. Along with that, Yoga has come to me as a help from Universe, in order to help me to connect with my body, my breath, my own cells and naturally helps my mind also…
Those lines in a book I’m reading can describe my lessons deeply & righteously:
“There are cycles of success, when things come to you and thrive, and cycles of failure, when they wither or disintegrate and you have to let them go in order to make room for new things to arise, or for transformation to happen. If you cling & resist at that point, it means you are refusing to go with the flow of life, and you will suffer. It is not true that the up cycle is good & the down cycle bad, except in the mind’s judgement. Growth is always considered positive, but nothing can grow forever. If growth, in whatever kind, is to go on & on, it would eventually become monstrous & destructive. Dissolution is needed for new growth to happen. One can not exist without the other.”
Life is not all about thriving. Letting go is an important part of growing. Improvement will come with acceptance. Half of the year has passed, just for me to learn about accepting the weakest parts of me & taking care of myself gently.
At the moment, I’m crying, but I guess those are good drops. I need to let all the sadness go in a gentle way, like either my piece of writing or my heart… ❤