What happened when I stopped trying?

It was such a nice Sunday in Quang Binh when I woke up after a nice sleep, took a ride with the bicycle to buy Banh mi & played with the cute kid at homestay. After that, I was heading to coffeeshop with so much tranquility to just read book & enjoy me time.

This trip was much greater than what I expected since I brought so many experiences than those recent biz trips. For such 4 years I have been traveling across the country, talking with so many people from different regions in order to understand their consumption behaviors & find the opportunity for us to tap into, I’ve found so many interesting truths. But more than all the business purposes I got, the best thing I achieved is the bigger love, the empathy to people in my country, the desire to make it grow better & the experiences to the unexpected kindness which keeps my passion as a Marketer for a Vietnamese brand on.

I haven’t been to Quang Binh before, I save a big room in my heart for Hoi An where I’ve spent time with a lot of special people, also on my own. But this trip made me rethink again, when my heart stayed with Quang Binh. A hospitality of people, the spectacular caves, the decent tastes of local foods… which made me leave all my daily worries behind.

I just had enough time for myself, alone with the nice component of everything, friendly & honest people around, the impressive nature, the nice walk at night without being scared of any dangers…

It’s totally different from high feelings I get from a hard party until midnight in Saigon, or a guy who made my feeling like roller coaster, or simply just a compliment from an agency… During that time, doubt, uncertainty, desire to develop another long distanced relationship, pressure at work, stress for things I want in the future,… everything just came out clearly. And the good part that I’m learning is how to embrace those, not chasing the high to hide them as normal. I mean it’s a bundle of choices that I myself picked, I mean they’re things that I should have responsibilities with. I think everything will fall into line when I stop thinking so much & taking actions & more than that, accepting the pain that my own decisions could lead me to.

This year might be a tough year for me, in everything. I started the year with an empty & broken heart after separating with J. I meant it did hurt a lot. I tried to cover the pain through working hard, cover my feelings with a cool face, hide my own hurt by answering him that I was doing okay & stay positive all the time. However, there’re several nights I was crying like a baby in the darkness asking myself what I did to the relationship I respected a lot, what I did to let him go, what we did to stop all the efforts to build it up from 2 different continents during 1 amazing year. Until I stopped trying & started accepting… I accepted that it ended, and it is the decision from both of us. I accepted that I still loved him when we broke up. I accepted that the hurt is here, inside my heart. I accepted that it took more time than I think to get over our love story. I accepted that we couldn’t get back where we started but this love left me with the best memories, the honest hearts of two people until the end of the story, the mistakes that I could improve on,…The acceptance comes along with the improvement. I’ve spent time for myself, building back reading hobbies, doing more journals for reflection, meeting more people who I can learn from, and no more speed dating which leads me to confusions and doubts about myself.

During the reflection, I also learned how work affected my personal life. It’s a tough year with a new role, with heavy pressure for performance to get to another position and I don’t know how to set boundaries to have my own life…

Then I start learning & practicing about boundaries setting to everything, about saying No instead of fuck Yes, about respecting the values I follow & saying No to the others… It sounds easy to speak but it’s not easy to do because you need to accept yourself limitation, your flaws, your mistakes. You need to narrow down the actions to take once step at a time, you need to accept that you don’t have it all. And for a person who always puts a lot of pressures on herself, it’s obviously so hard to take those…

While I follow things, it seems that I don’t get those but just get the pressure or the delusion of the ending results. But when I start following the small steps to the ending result & the moments I’m living in, everything starts to change.

I understand moments are everything for quite long time. But the comprehension about the moments I’m willing to suffer for,not just enjoying with… just has begun.

I also know it’s a long run to understand everything, but the most important point is that I’m taking small steps right now. When I stopped trying so hard…

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